Bagel Off! Pal Park Edition

The Bagel. Halo of the breakfast world. For two dollars or less, you can satisfy your morning meal needs without the hassle of having to prepare it yourself. Sure a typical bagel has enough carbs to make you fatter than the queen of sea cows but, it is worth it.

The bagel comes from Eastern Europe where they were given as gifts to women in childbirth. Although it made a terrible contraceptive, the locals quickly discovered it made a delicious treat. The bagel finally immigrated to the US in the 1880s where it reproduced like bunnies and found its way onto every corner of New York City. But ever since the dawn of bagel creation, every man, woman, and child has asked the same question: Which is the best bagel shop in Palisades Park?

The candidates in this bread breaking competition were Boulevard Bagels, Dunking Donuts, Palisades Hot Bagels, Shoprite and the high school favorite Spring Donuts. The rules were simple. I could have any type of bagel but could only use cream cheese. The winner, the bagel most worthy to be sold in Jerusalem itself!

First up, the Onion Bagel from Boulevard Bagels. I’m not an onion man. I find it to be the Ugly Betty of the vegetables. It gives you bad breath and it makes you cry. Incidentally, it might also make you Mexican. However, this bagel had just the right amount of onion. Enough to make you sense the taste, but not too much to make you think you were eating a cheesesteak. It was toasted to a nice golden crisp and the cream cheese barely spilled over the edge, avoiding messy eating.

Next, the Everything Bagel from Palisades Hot Bagels. The everything bagel had a little bit of everything except for hotness. Who would want a cold bagel? I like my bagels hot, just like my temper when I get a cold bagel. Despite it being cold, the bagel tasted fine but next time I walk in there, Palisades Hot Bagels, I expect my bagel to be hotter than Malibu, California.

The Reduced Carb Bagel from Dunkin Donuts was an interesting change up to the other bagels. The first thing I noticed about this bagel was the failure indicated in its name. Dunkin Donuts was unable to create a Low-Carb bagel so it settled for merely reducing the amount of carbs from about 436 calories (a typical bagel) to 380 calories. 56 lousy carbs! Well done DD. It’s not really lying if you just lead them on. The bagel itself was surprisingly good considering the other stuff they sell for breakfast is usually crap.

If you like relays and the occasional stroke then Shoprite’s Garlic Bagel is the one for you. First you have to pick out your bagel, then bring it over to another counter so it can be toasted, go back to where you picked your bagel to get the cream cheese, and then bring over the plate of cream cheese back to the counter where your bagel is being toasted. Phew! And for a minute I thought it would be complicated. After all that you can sit back, relax, and wait about 20 minutes to get your bagel. Shoprite toasts your bagel with a light bulb. Once I got my bagel I knew just by looking at the one inch thick spread of cream cheese on each side of the bagel that I was in for a treat. I took a bite and felt my arteries clogging faster than the Lincoln Tunnel during rush hour. C for the bagel, A for excitement!

Finally, the Plain Bagel from Spring Donuts was slightly burnt, had slightly too much cream cheese, and all too forgettable. Spring knows that because it is located three blocks away from the high school, they can sell cardboard filled with Vick’s Vapor Rub. A 14 year old in the morning will eat anything!

And now, without further ado, the final standings.
#5: Shoprite- It really shouldn’t take that long to make a bagel.

#4: Spring Donuts- Their motto should be, “We’re All You Got, PPHS.”

#3: Dunkin Donuts- Reduce your expectations.
#2: Palisades Hot Bagels- You’d think they would stay true to their name.

#1: Boulevard Bagels- Shalom taste. Shalom hunger.

Congratulations to Boulevard Bagels for winning the first ever, and probably last, Best Bagel in Palisades Park Award (BBPPA). Without a doubt, the best bagel in town. As for the rest of you, better luck next year.