Feature: Black Friday is the Devil

As Black Friday approaches, many of you are deciding whether or not you will be hitting up Garden State Plaza, Palisades Mall, or (God forbid) Woodbury Commons to shop.

For those of you who don’t know, Black Friday is the start of the holiday shopping season. Stores have big sales and generally go from losing profit (being in the red) to making profit (being in the black).

Oh, and also, it is the most horrendous, overrated, inflated day since the existence of mankind.

I have gone for the last three years, and through my experiences, I have come to the conclusion that aside from certain rare exceptions, it is a day invented by the Devil. Here’s why:


The Atmosphere Sucks

On Black Friday, a lot of people are jerks. But you can’t even blame them. Now that so many stores have set up midnight madness sales, people have to leave their house right after eating Thanksgiving dinner to make it to the malls to get the good deals. Add that to the fact that this Friday’s temperature is going to be a low of 32°F, there will be thousands of people at the malls, and you’ve got yourself the perfect recipe for angry consumers.

Even beyond your run-of-the-mill jerks, there are those super-jerks who will cut on line, push and shove you out of the way, and just piss you off in general.

The cold weather, the early morning, and the mean people make the day seem more like some cruel and unusual boot camp instead of the start of the Christmas season.

Those Cheap Laptops Are Basically Scams

For those of you who think they’re going to get a laptop or desktop for $400: have you ever heard the idiom, “if it sounds too good to be true, it probably isn’t?”

Well, those super cheap computers are almost mythical because even though everyone has heard of them and is trying to get them, there are only a handful of them in the stores. The only way you can get your hands on one is by getting on line for it around hours in advance.

Otherwise, you’re going to be stuck at the same stores trying to get the lesser (and more available) products the stores are trying to shill out.

The Cost-Benefit Ratio Is Not In Your Favor

Which leads us to our final question: is it really worth it?

Before you go out for Black Friday, you really need to figure out if what you’re planning on buying is worth the effort you’re about to put in. If you’re trying to save $5-$10 dollars on a single item, do you really think that the saved $10 is worth getting up ridiculously early and waiting on line for two hours for?

I think you need to save at least a $100 to make the whole Black Friday experience at least close to worth it. Otherwise the day is better spent sleeping off your Thanksgiving dinner.

You Should Thank Me I Convinced You Not To Go

As you can clearly see, Black Friday was a day invented by the Devil. Generally, the sales are not as good as everyone hypes them up to be and the items that seem to be really cheap are used to lure you into the store. Combine that with freezing cold weather, cranky consumers, and ridiculously long lines … the cost-benefit ratio does not fall in your favor unless you plan on saving some big bucks that day. So do yourself a favor and sleep-in that day. When your friends get back from Woodbury complaining about how some mom punched them in the face for the last $5 scarf at Banana Republic, you can just lean back on your couch, sip hot cocoa, and smile.

PS. Are You Kidding Me? You’re Still Going Shopping That Day? Did You Not Just Hear Me?

(Your Kid Will Get Trampled On Black Friday)

So you’ve read all my arguments against partaking this horrible day, yet you’re still planning on going? You’re positively crazy. But I suppose if you must go, there are three indispensable websites you need to use in order to prepare:

- www.bfads.net – This has a comprehensive list of everything that’s going to be on sale that day. Use it to plan and comparison shop before you actually get to the store. That way, you’ll know what you want and are less likely to fall for the store’s evil scams

- m.bfads.net – Forgot which store was selling that really cheap flash drive? BFads.net offers a mobile version of their website that is compatible with your cell phone. That way, even if you’re already at the mall, you can figure out where the good deals are.

- 10 Black Friday Secrets Retailers Don’t Want You To Know – This article gives you tips on how to make sure “the man” doesn’t win and steal all your money that day. Their best advice? “Plan ahead to think clearly. Bring food, wear comfortable shoes, and leave the kids at home (kids can influence impulse buying or convince you to leave early). Stay focused, and don’t let yourself be caught up in the frenzy.”

Anyway, good luck shopping (sucker)