Monday, April 14, 2008

[Feature] Springtime Fashion DON'TS

With the weather kicking up, and the sun smiling down at us, it’s time for a wardrobe change! But before you get too excited over spring fashions, make sure you don’t go out looking like a fool. Now, when it comes to fashion, I wouldn't say that I am the most fashionable person around. I just know the basics; certain colors look fresh together, anything with rhinestones is too gaudy, and if there are feathers involved, I'd rather kms (kill myself). But there are a few trends that I happen to see waaay too often that I find to be either ridiculous or just plain fugs. So rather than a spring fashion "do's and dont's," I'll focus on the "don'ts." And by "don'ts," I mean if you ever are caught breaking any of these rules .. Lord, help you.

Make sure you aren’t breaking any fashion crimes by reading the following cases ..

Case A: Wearing Socks with Sandals.

I have a dear friend who is all-around a pretty good guy. We get along fine .. but every once in a while, he likes to test our friendship by trotting around in his Champion white cotton socks and his Timberland sandals. Whenever I see such a lethal display of footwear, I am appalled. Make up your mind, damnit! Sandals are all about proudly displaying your feet (unless you’ve got some nasty business going down there, please double-check yourself before going out to expose your toes!) .. to see fuzzy white socks peeping between sandals just reminds me of some gnarly toe jam (you know what I’m talking about). Seriously, lose the socks.
*Unless, of course, you are a college student, living in the dorms…’cause I mean, sweats, a hoodie, socks w/ sandals is the ultimate college student’s attire. But if you aren’t within college boundaries, don’t bring that heinous fashion eyesore elsewhere.

Case B: Wearing a Backpack whilst carrying a Purse.

Time and time again, I keep saying it. But every time I see a poor girl carrying such a deadly combination, I seriously wanted to chuck my backpack in her face. I mean, why carry the damn purse if you've got a convenient bag on your damn back? Or if anything, stuff that inside your backpack or larger tote bag that you happen to be carrying! I don't care if you've got a cute Coach wristlet or a new LV bag you've got no other opportunity to show off because you never get invited to parties to actually present it in a more fashionably acceptable way .. C’MON!

Case C, Section I: Wearing Sunglasses Indoors/At Night.

Unless you're Stevie Wonder (ah, too soon?) or some celebrity avoiding the paparazzi, there is no need to wear sunglasses indoors or at night, you know, when the sun is nowhere in sight. Or if you have some crazy cataracts. Or if you're Cyclops and have some sort of laser beam eye defect. Seriously, people. Even if you have a sty, wear a damn pirate's patch. Someone give me a perfectly logical reason as to why someone who is neither blind or stalked by the paps would wear their sunglasses indoors. Your eyes are clearly out of danger, especially when you're in a perfectly shaded room. At least flip them over your damn head, if you insist on keeping them on.

Case C, Section II: Wearing Sunglasses on the Back of Your Head.

You are not cool. Unless you’ve got eyes on the back of your head. But the same rules for Case C, Section I still apply.

Case D: Asian-Themed Tattoos Are the New Tramp-Stamps.

Springtime is the time when you wear a bit less to show a bit more skin. And for all of those ink-loving people, it's the perfect time to show off your ink-work or to add another to the collection. But keeping in mind of the somewhat painful and somewhat permanent decision to get a tattoo, there are some cardinal rules in getting inked.
Roses, butterflies, Looney Tunes characters, and pictures of loved ones. Definitely tacky. Definitely smells like hooker boots.
But now, they’ve gone and done it. Asian-themed tattoos are the new tramp-stamps. Any sort of Asian writing (Japanese or Chinese writing seems to be quite the stamp) or Asian-themed designs (koi fish, white Bengal tigers, etc.) have now taken their place in the tramp-stamp book. The best is when I see a person toting around their "PEACE LOVE MUSIC" tattoo, which usually translates over to some randoms characters like "VITAMINS CORN PENCIL." Yikes.

All in all, enjoy the newfound warm weather, guys. But just don't become a fashion victim whilst doing it.


Anonymous said...

what about fanny packs?

Jen Shin said...

For Case A, does the victim's name start with 'S' and rhyme with Tang?? ;) Nice job, Julia. My number one pet peeve is the sunglasses-indoors thing. I mean, seriously?? wtf.

Anonymous said...

I like to ask people why they have a tattoo saying "Moo Shoo Pork" on their arm.

Sometimes if they don't look like one of the smarter people in the room, I'll just comment that it's so cute how they got the name of their favorite Chinese food dish tattooed on their arm.

If I were still in an office setting, I would cut/paste/photoshop those tattoo characters into a Chinese take out menu and use it as proof.

I haven't decided if I would only tell them the truth after they bawled their eyes out or after they got the laser removal surgery.

Anonymous said...

I wear my sunglasses at night so I can watch you weave then breath your story lines.