Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Heeby Guys

Many moons ago, when the internet was ghetto and everyone had their own "homepages," I ran into a gem of a site. Some guy named Scott Song wrote these really great articles that were not only informative, but very, very, funny. I'm not sure if it's just a Korean thing, but I was able to relate to every piece he wrote. The topics ranged from "Bros Before Hoes" and "Just Accept the Ride, Girls!", among others.

My favorite, however, was his article, "Heeby Guys" (later followed-up by "Sheebie Girls"). It talks about a type of person we all know. The one that is your friend, but is also pretty weird and socially awkward.

After pulling out my google-fu, I was able to find all his old articles, however, it is hosted by some random guy on a Tripod account (hey guy, 1995 called, they want their web space back! :x).

Here is the link to all of his writing, and if you click "read more", however, you'll find the Heeby article right here:


Heeby Guys
by Scott Song

Heeby guys (GUYS, not GIRLS, just GUYS). everyone knows a couple.
they are everywhere. you see them in class, on the quad, and in your dorm
(though they might not LIVE in your dorm....they just like going to your
dorm to bother you). well, regardless of what anyone says or does, there
will forever be heeby guys. and there's nothing anyone can do to prevent
this inevitability. so since we can't do anything about them, we might as
well be able to point them out so we can laugh at them together. here
goes....


1) Heeby guys are unanimously heeby. when a guy is heeby, there are
probably 100 girls who would agree. you could take a large group of girls
and if they each compiled a list of who they thought were heeby, their
lists would be almost identical. why? b/c heebiness is
universal....heebiness knows no language, sees no color, and crosses all
boundaries. even other GUYS can point out who girls think are heeby.

2) Heeby guys don't know they are heeby. if they did, they'd probably try
to stop, but since they think they are acting normal, they continue to
weird people out. at one point or another, one must do a HEEB-check and
ask, "well, if heeby people don't know they are heeby, then how do i know
that i'm not heeby?" well, read my next point.


3) heeby guys can't tell when another guy is acting heeby. see, the
reason point #2 is valid is b/c they don't know WHAT is heeby and WHAT is
not. their heeb radar is turned off. just imagine some guy that
weirds you out saying, "man, that one guy is so strange...i think he
grosses people out." you can't imagine that ever happening, right? Since
they cannot detect it within themselves, they are also incapable of
detecting it in others. so to make sure that YOU are not heeby, just ask
yourself this: can you tell when other guys are acting heeby? if so, then
you probably don't have to worry. probably.

4) heeby guys are touchy. this doesn't mean that they have to touch you
ALL the time...i mean, there are really normal people who are just really
affectionate. but HEEBY guys don't touch with affection....they touch
with INTENSITY. they may not actually touch you all that often, but when
they do....man, it feels weird. its almost as if they are receiving
energy from you by the way they grab your shoulder or wrap their arm
around you. lots of heeby guys like to hit girls, too. smack the back of
their heads, pull on their hair...you know, abusive stuff. why do they
do that? i honestly have no clue. maybe its a deep rooted sense of
insecurity where they feel the need to present themselves as being more
powerful or something.

5) heeby guys can be either good looking or bad looking. you can be a
handsome young man and still weird people out. if he's weird, the girl
doesn't care HOW good looking the guy is.

6) heeby guys are usually floaters. this means that they have no set
group of friends. some people are floaters by choice, but heeby guys are
not. they actually WANT a clique of some sort, but b/c they lack social
skills (especially with girls), they end up just kinda hopping around from
group to group, tagging along with people as they go bowling or catch
movies. his social awkwardness isolates him from the rest of the
world, and as a result, makes him appear even MORE strange.

7) heeby guys are clingy. this kinda goes along with the previous point.
they are hungry for love and affection. they are clingy in the sense that
if you show them even a LITTLE bit of attention, they will totally stick
onto you as if you guys are best buds. part of it stems from lonliness and
part of it is just b/c he is weird.

8) heeby guys come in two categories: "GUILT TRIP" and "COME TO ME".
the GUILT TRIP HEEB is the guy who always says "why don't you ever call ME
to go out? you always call so-and-so, but you never call MEEEEEEE". They
also say stuff like "why don't you ever say HI to me...you don't want to
be my friend anymore~?" they always try to make you feel guilty as if you
did something wrong or you betrayed their friendship, even though you were
probably never really good friends with them to begin with. this is the
most common type of heeb. and probably the most annoying for most girls.

the COME TO ME HEEB is the guy who distances himself from the
world and expects everyone to come to him and accomodate to HIS needs.
but after realizing that people don't always just come to HIM, he decides
to change his approach and try to come to others. this is where the
heebiness comes in. since he is not used to approaching others, when he
does do so, it is both awkward and shocking, for the girl never expected
him to approach her. and he will approach with great intesity in his
eyes....as if he has a mission to accomplish. he'll be like,
"....hi. uh.....my name is so-and-so. (then there will be an awkward
silence for 5 seconds). i like your hair. it smells good. can I stroke
it?" this form of heeb is a lot less common....and one must be
careful not to mix this up with a guy who is simply kinda shy.

i know i said i'd talk about sheeby girls, too, but i thought it
might not be appropriate. but sheeby girls are entirely different from
heeby guys. but yeah, hope you understand.

heebiness will never leave, and even after reading this plan, i'm
sure most heeby guys will continue to act heeby. isn't ignorance bliss?

well, that's it. if you are a guy, hopefully by reading this you
might be able to figure out if you are heebying someone out. if you are a
girl, then i hope you had a good laugh.

3 comments:

Julia Park said...

Best.Article.Ever.

FTW!

Howard said...

Haha... memories.

"...they touch with INTENSITY" lol.

sang said...

This is a really old article. Forgot when I first read it.